I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
