You just made me feel so damn special
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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