11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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