i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
