I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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