Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
