I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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