Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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