My brain says no but my pants say off.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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