discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
