Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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