2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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