apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
