no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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