then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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