i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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