I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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