I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You made out with two different species that night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
