Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize