So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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