U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
