Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
