Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
