Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Ladies don't puke and tell
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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