So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
