Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
