the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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