Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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