every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
