so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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