I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
