I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
