things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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