I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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