My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize