I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
