The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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