please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
