I just threw up on my dentist
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
