I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
