she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
