Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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