I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
