He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
