Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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