Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So apparently I’m into choking now
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