can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
