between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
