my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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