I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
