The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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