i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
