why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
