I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
