Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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