do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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