My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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